One of things I truly believe is every parent who reaches out to me for coaching, reads parenting books, takes classes, or whose social media feed is full of parenting guidance is already a good parent. And yet, every parent I speak with doubts themselves. We are all worried we are ruining our children to varying degrees depending on the day. Parenting is a nonstop and deeply personal job. There is tremendous pressure coming from ourselves and from the world around us.
Helping parents begin to believe in themselves is one of my favorite parts of my job. I like to remind clients that we can’t give away what we don’t have. If we don’t see our own worth, how can we model self-compassion for our children? Most of us weren’t raised with parents or caregivers who even had this topic on their radar. One of the things I have noticed about my father in the last few years, as we have spoken more often, is how hard he is on himself. Like so many of us, the words he uses to describe himself can be just plain mean.
Learning how to recognize our own worth and offering ourselves compassion is not an overnight matter. It takes time, intentional effort, what you will probably call “hokey” practices, and a willingness to tolerate that discomfort. The good news is as we shift our thinking and beliefs about ourselves, we are showing our children how to do it for themselves. How incredible would it be for your children to growing up seeing themselves clearly - strengths and areas for growth - without having to do some of this work when they become adults.
Many years ago, I had a loving mentor who would routinely catch me being unkind to myself. Sometimes it was as obvious as calling myself a name or it could be me judging myself harshly. She would lovingly but firmly say, “I won’t let you talk to my friend Lisa like that. Please try that again.” It is often hard to see our own growth but I was able to measure my progress in this area by how, over years, she began to say this less and less. I adopted this approach, and still say it to friends, clients, and my father. She was the first to help me notice the way I spoke to and about myself.
I would suggest you invite someone play this role in your life. Perhaps your best friend, partner, or coach. Ask them for loving accountability. We cannot change what we are not aware of. What happens more quickly than you realize is you become aware of your inner voice as well and can correct yourself. You can speak to yourself the way you would someone you love and ask to rephrase the comment. I encourage parents to use the Gottman 5:1 ratio with their children and partners. For every negative or critical comment, share five loving positives. Using this with yourself can feel silly, but it works nonetheless. You don’t have to say it to yourself in front of the mirror but bonus points if you do.
Another tool I learned from that same mentor was to make a list of qualities I loved about myself. I will tell you that my first attempt was supposed to have ten things. I came to our appointment with four. One of them was: I am a good cat mom. I had grown up in a home where my parents focused on the negative and praise wasn’t commonly heard. I didn’t have much experience seeing myself in a positive light. When I read her my list of four positive qualities, she quickly added six more right off the top of her head about me. Isn’t it wild how others can often see us so much more clearly than we can see ourselves. Then, she added an even more uncomfortable assignment. She asked me to ask five close friends to tell me their two favorite qualities about me. Fishing for compliments felt so awkward but I did it anyways. I still have that list I created from what they said today. People we love are more than happy to tell us why we mean so much to them.
A key element to self-compassion and kindness is to forgive ourselves for past mistakes or errors in judgement. Every parent I have ever worked with has a couple of moments they feel shame about and are sure that once they disclose them to me, I will judge them. I never do. We are all human and we make mistakes primarily based in our struggles to regulate our emotions. One of my favorite activities to do with parents in group classes is to pair them up with someone else and ask each person to share a shameful parenting moment. Their partner is asked to offer kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. Everyone feels afraid but once their secret is received with love, empathy, and understanding, the shame melts away. We can do that for ourselves too. What is something you need to forgive yourself for?
Which of these tools will you put into place in your life? Let me know in the comments.
I love all of the tools! Even saying to ourselves, I won’t talk about a friend that way. This came at the perfect moment today 💛💛