Parenting While Sick
There's no guidebook for these scenarios.
In August of 2021, my husband came to the dinner table with jaundiced eyes. Having worked in hospice for many years, I noticed immediately, and told him he needed to go to the ER. At lunch, he had been fine and now his liver wasn’t working. It was terrifying and he spent two weeks in the hospital before finally receiving a diagnosis: autoimmune hepatitis. For no reason, it just happened. He has been on medications to suppress his immune system ever since.
For Christmas 2021, our family got COVID-19 for the first time. Our daughter had a mild case. My husband and I were very sick. He was able to make a full recovery but it took a long time due to his compromised immune system. I did not make a full recovery and was diagnosed with Long COVID in May 2022. I have had to attend countless doctor’s appointments with many specialists. I have had to cut back on my work, obligations, take a lot of different medications, supplements, sleep a lot more, and have had two cardiac procedures for the permanent damage COVID did to my heart.
We have been extraordinarily careful since then but a friend unknowingly brought COVID to my daughter and I in August of 2023. My husband stayed elsewhere to keep himself safe. Again, our daughter had a mild case and recovered quickly. I had a mild case to start but had a rebound infection and was quarantined from my husband for 15 days.
Shortly after I recovered from COVID, I had an MRI where my doctors discovered a benign brain tumor. It went quickly from “Let’s watch and wait…” to “Oh no, we need to start treatment right away.” This last week, I had five days of high dose radiation with the goal to stunt the tumor. It was terrifying, overwhelming, and exhausting. I was warned the worst of the side effects would happen after I finished and they are right. I am so damn tired all the time and have consistently had a horrific headache.
I share this backstory because I want to share about parenting as a chronically-ill person, and the impact is has had on our daughter. She is now 11. We have all learned so much over the last 2+ years, and have been talking about it a lot as a family. I wanted to share some of the things we have gathered from our own experience, from talking to other parents struggling with their health, and from talking to friends who had sick parents when they were children.
What has helped:
Telling the truth. Children will create stories to explain what’s going on around them, and they are almost always worse than the reality. The level of detail will depend on your child’s age, maturity, and understanding. I spent the first 9 years of my daughter’s life working in hospice so she is no stranger to hearing all sorts of medical information and talking openly about death.
Owning up to not having all of the answers. When my husband got sick, and we had no idea why, I had to just admit that to her. When she would ask me when my Long COVID symptoms would improve, I had to tell her I didn’t know. When she asked me if my radiation side effects would mean that we wouldn’t be able to have fun during her winter break, I had to confess I was worried about it too, because it is so uncertain.
Sharing how we feel. I love the story Brené Brown tells about her husband and how they share their percentage each day. “Honey, I am at 55%. I need you to help me fill-in-the blank.” I am open about my symptoms, and explain that they are the reason for my irritability, fatigue, noise sensitivity - that it is not her. For more than 18 months, my husband had to nap during his work day to make it through, and we were mindful to tell our daughter it was from his disease and/or medication (see above point) - it wasn’t because he didn’t want to spend his time with her.
Reminding her though words and actions that it our job to take care of her, not vice versa. Having a sick parent is a recipe for codependency. If you have a child who is a empathic being, they will want to take care of you. We want to raise thoughtful, helpful, and kind humans, and we also need to retain the role of leadership to allow for our children to feel safe and protected. This contributes to a secure attachment.
Prioritizing for one-on-one time. We have done daily Special Time for the vast majority of our daughter’s life. I would be lying if I said we never missed a day or fell out of our routines but it has been a mainstay. Daily 15 minutes of child-led playtime is a cornerstone to healthy connection and a game changer. Having that strong connection with her has been even more important over the last 2+ years. Even if it has been “low-energy Special Time” where me or my husband was lying down, we made it happen.
Telling her we not only do we want to hear what she has to say but also that we enjoy it all. Amidst my radiation treatment, my daughter told me she held off on sharing something because she worried I had too much on my plate. A dear friend who had sick parents as a child shared this idea with me, and we took it to heart. I could see the difference in my daughter’s eyes and smile when I made it explicitly clear that I was not too tired to hear about what she wanted to tell me, that I was excited to know, and that I love listening to her.
Have loads and loads of grace for yourself. We are hard on others, including our children, to the extent that we are hard on ourselves. If you are sick, whether with a serious chronic illness, or with a cold, you need rest, radical self-care, and to make choices that allow you to heal. Maybe this means getting take-out, accepting help from your family and friend, or just not worrying about the dishes. Parenting is hard enough on the best of days. Give yourself the grace you want your children to give themselves when they are struggling.
I’ll be writing here regularly beginning in January. I’ll be offering a weekly post you won’t find anywhere else for paid subscribers. Sharing stories, research, and loving guidance through posts like these bring my joy. They are also mental and emotional labor. Paid subscribers will also receive access to participate in monthly Q&A posts. As with everything I offer, if a subscription would benefit you, and it is out of reach for you financially, email me at lisa@becomingpeaceful.com
I appreciate your support.