At the beginning of a recent private parenting coaching session, a client caught me up on what had happened since we last saw each other. Then, she paused and said, “On top of all of this, I am terrified that Trump will be elected again.” Before I even felt them coming, let alone stop myself, my eyes welled up with tears and spilled over down my cheeks. I am no stranger to tears, and am often emotional in sessions when clients share big wins or painful situations, but I was taken aback at this moment. I smiled and said, “Apparently, I feel more afraid of this than I realized.”
I don’t think we talk about enough how we can do the day-to-day work of parenting when we are living in a world with so many to worry about. So many parents I work with are feeling varying levels of despair due to the overwhelm that comes factors such as from the upcoming election, the Israel-Hamas war, the Russia-Ukraine war, the continuing impact of COVID-19, the economy, and housing costs. These world events can weigh so heavily on our minds.
These feelings of powerlessness impact us in so many ways. We may be distracted and in our heads. Perhaps we aren’t sleeping well. Our nervous systems are dysregulated. Our screen time use may increase as we feel like we need to stay informed. We may spend a lot of time talking about these heavy and scary topics with folks who are also struggling. This can create a situation where we are co-escalating with one another rather than co-regulating. We may find ourselves feeling stuck and in despair. It can be hard to pull ourselves from that abyss and I’ve spent the last few months learning ways to do so. I’ve gathered these ideas and reminders from folks I know, writers I read, and from my own experience. These things may help you too.
On a recent podcast episode, Jay Shetty and Michelle Obama discussed how the influx of news, images, and stories of violence we receive through social media has an impact on us we don’t even realize. Receiving constant updates and information isn’t what our brains are intended to do. This fills up our emotional backpack despite our best intentions and we can feel fear, irritation, and frustration without knowing the source.
Nadia Bolz-Weber, author, pastor, and speaker, said this a few years ago and I come back to it again and again, “I just do not think our psyches were developed to hold, feel and respond to everything coming at them right now; every tragedy, injustice, sorrow and natural disaster happening to every human across the entire planet, in real time every minute of every day. Anthropologically speaking, the human heart and spirit were developed to be able to hold, feel and respond to any tragedy, injustice, sorrow or natural disaster that was happening in our village.” This doesn’t mean we can’t care about and do what we can, but rather to understand we aren’t meant to hold all of this.
Early on in the quarantine, my therapist recommended I put myself on a news diet. She suggested choosing one reputable source for news and monitoring my time spent on social media. I was a heavy Twitter user then, and my feed was filled with journalists, scientists, and political activists. That was helpful for a time but it led to me feeling completely inundated with information and stress. She asked, “What might happen if you tried a news diet for a couple of weeks and see if you can feel a difference?” Obviously she was right. I continue to monitor my news intake. Leaving Twitter was a huge shift in my mental health and despair. I stay abreast of the larger picture and stay away when I am already feeling depleted. My husband is a news junkie, who isn’t as impacted, so I often go to him for details presented in a more neutral way.
I regret to inform you that when I started staying off of screens for an hour before bedtime, and turning my phone completely off, I slept so much better. I know and teach the science behind this but have frequently used the excuse of being a small business owner to have my phone near me at all times. I have taken to putting my phone on do not disturb when I am feeling overwhelmed. We know that constant input and interruptions have an impact on our brains. Finding some space and quiet is a way to shift from despair.
In their book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Drs. Emily and Amelia Nagoski offer six things we can do to lower our stress levels and complete the stress cycle. We all find ourselves in the stress cycle simply because we live in today’s world. These six suggestions are evidence-based, and will be familiar to you if you have ever attended a workshop or worked with me in coaching. They absolutely work and there is no better time to dig into these tools than we are feeling powerless. The list includes: meditation, moving your body, meaningful connection, laughter and/or tears, affection, and creative expression. I have been doubling down on my mediation practice for the last few months and can absolutely feel a difference on days that I skip it.
Laughter is one of the most effective ways to release all of these collective emotions and is so underrated. Many years ago, long before I was a parenting coach, our incredible acupuncturist suggested to my husband that he listen to comedy on his commute home from the office to release the stress of the day to become present once he got home. He did and it was a tremendous help. Now that I am familiar with the research and the concept of the emotional backpack, this is something I put into practice and assign to parents every day. During my medical treatments in December and as I recovered, we exclusively watched stand-up comedy every night. Let me know if you need any recommendations. This release helped me get through a very scary and challenging time.
A tool which helps me when I am feeling despair is to turn to the people in my village who I can help in practical ways. Focus on the near. A reader suggested signing up for Lasagna Love where you can make a lasagna for someone in need in your neighborhood. Someone signed us up and we received one when my husband was hospitalized in 2021 and felt so supported. We have a community refrigerator and freezer in our neighborhood so our family picks up donations for it when we do our family grocery shopping. One of the reasons I offer sliding scale coaching and scholarships to every workshop I teach is because it is a tangible way to give back to my village of parents. Volunteering in your community can provide you with that warm feeling that comes from doing something that makes a difference. There are many opportunities in which you can have your children help as well.
Mindfulness is a way to bring ourselves back to the present moment. Worry and fear don’t live in the present moment. Keeping in mind that there are multiple ways to practice mindfulness can help us from becoming resistant to trying it. There are no rules. As they say, “The only wrong way to practice mindfulness is by not doing it.” Here are a few you can try: sitting and focusing on your breath for two minutes, listening to a guided meditation, swimming (my favorite), yoga, going for a walk in nature without your phone, knitting, arts and crafts, cooking, journaling or morning pages, a gratitude list, breathing exercises. The list goes on and on. You can find something that works for you.
The world is an overwhelming place these days. It can be so challenging to find ways to process these feelings of powerlessness and despair. I’m right here with you. My hope for you is that you find something that resonates with you and try it. I would love to hear from you in the comments.
So beautifully written, thanks for these reminders and ideas of how to find the balance <3