My daughter takes very long shower baths. “Save some for the fishes” long. I remind myself she doesn’t shower as often as many other folks do so it probably evens out. Along with the length, she somehow manages to leave a shocking amount of water outside of the tub. The bathmat is practically soaked along with the floor. If I dare to sit down to use the toilet afterwards and forget to dry it off, I’m in for a cold, wet surprise. It drives me crazy and at the same time, I am grateful she cleans up after herself once she’s been reminded. It does confound me though. She’s nearly 12 years old. What in the world is she doing in there?
My attempts to investigate have yielded me only annoyed sighs and push back. She has said, “I’m not doing anything!” or “I will clean it up!” or “I have no idea how it happens!” I don’t know about you but when my daughter says things that are unequivocally false, it is so hard not to see red. So, if I am not feeling regulated, I will double down and tell her so. “What do you mean you don’t know? You are the one in there!” Sometimes, I get sassy and ask, “Well, who is in there with you destroying the bathroom?” You can imagine how well that goes over. It leaves us both feeling lousy. I make a repair but I still have no answers.
In my recent re-read of Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Mate, I was reminded of counterwill. Then, this whole shower bath debacle came into focus. I was pushing my daughter and she was pushing back. The term “counterwill” was first coined by Otto Rank, a Viennese psychoanalyst. Dr. Neufeld has continued to develop this term over his career through his lenses of attachment and development.
When anyone feels controlled or coerced, their natural instinct of counterwill rises up and you feel led to resist, defy, and push back. It happens when someone tells you what to do, how to think, or what you feel. It’s why when we tell someone, adult or child, how they feel they will often yell back, “I’M NOT ANGRY!” I always know my daughter is responding from this instinct when she yells, “I am not your Cinderella!” Children are more likely to respond with counterwill than adults because they are childish and don’t yet have enough maturity to see the bigger picture. Although children are meant to follow the lead of their parents and adults they feel an attachment to, they will still resist us. We should come to expect it.
I love Dr. Deborah's Macnamera’s explanation of why this happens.
“Why do kids resist parents they are attached to, though? The answer is because our ‘have to’s’ have become greater than the child’s ‘want-to’s.’ In other words, their instinct to resist has become greater than their desire to follow – which could be due to the amount of control or coercion they are experiencing, a reflection of the depth of their attachment to a parent, or their level of immaturity. A child’s resistance doesn’t mean we have to abandon our agenda, but it does mean we will need to figure out how to hold on to our relationship while steering through the counterwill impasse.”
It’s not hard to think of times when our “have-to’s” become greater than our child’s “want-to’s” as we both have agendas as human beings. When you have young children, your agenda often don’t line up. If we bring the focus back to the relationship, move out of a place of control, and begin again with a focus on connection, we can often move through these challenging moments. So often parents will tell me stories of challenging moments with their children and I can hear right away what they can’t. It’s often the tone or volume of their voice. We inadvertently bring a lot more energy to a simple request than we anticipate. We are understandably overwhelmed with day-to-day life and just want our children to put on their damn pants already. Perhaps it’s already been a long day and our triggers are loaded so we come barreling in demanding or more pushy than we would normally be. Counterwill gets provoked in our children and then ours does in response. Soon, it feels like we are two bighorn sheep locked in battle. Over pants. Or a semi-flooded bathroom.
How can we avoid this? Luckily, we have the tools. As always, lead with connection. Acknowledge what they are doing, touch them, make them laugh, and lean into that place of love and care. If we interrupt them to ask them to do something, acknowledge that the same way we want them to do for us. When we do this, we are less in danger of provoking that counterwill. Our children want to follow our lead when they feel connected to us. Next, be mindful of the way you make your requests. When we give commands, we will be asking for a battle of counterwill. “You must..” “You have to…” “Stop what you’re doing and do this or else…” Ask your child to do something in the same way you want to be asked to do something.
Sometimes we do all of these things and still get stuck. Here’s what to do next. Pause. Set the request aside for right now. Get reconnected. You should still remain the leader in the relationship even in the midst of a pause. “I am going to step away for a minute. We will come back to this in a bit.” We always have the chance to pause and begin again. Change our attitude and approach and their response changes. We will also reduce these instances when we offer children opportunities to make decisions and have responsibility for part of their life. Inevitably, we will make mistakes and we can make amends and repair.
After finishing Hold Onto Your Kids, I decided to approach the shower bath situation in a different way. My daughter and I had Special Time together and had continued playing a game we both love. We were cozy and connected. I started the conversation from a place of genuine curiosity. “Honey, I have a question for you. No judgment. Only curiosity.” Then, of course, she was curious too. I affirmed her love of her shower baths, reminded her I support her time in there, and appreciate her cleaning up. When I asked her how the water explodes out of the tub, she explained how she gets in and out a few times usually to change the music and also how sometimes she pretends she’s on a waterslide down the back wall and into the tub. I got my answer, and got teary eyed with delight knowing my tween is still playing in the tub. What a different conversation and experience that was for both of us.
Thanks so much for that example, I love this so much and is giving me so much hope with a shift in my challenges!!
Counterwill…soo helpful to have a term for a common dynamic in our home. As always, thank you for the awesome education and vulnerable examples to bring the concept to life - and help give me a vision of an ever more connected, peaceful home!